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7 Common Expressions of Self-Talk

Overreaction

1 – Overreaction – is negative self- talk such as “Everything is wrong” or “everything is awful” According to Cynthia Kane the catchphrases with overreaction are “Everything is….. Every time I….. This is the wrong thing……”

I thought about when I use overreaction negative self-talk. Mine usually is directed towards my eating habits and exercising habits. One great example was just the other day, for the past few weeks I had been really focusing on what I was putting into my body. I was eating better and was cutting out the sweet tea. Then BAM I ate the large peanut butter cookie with fudge drizzle from the sandwich and bakery shop. After I ate the cookie the voice in my head said “well stupid, you just ruined everything that you worked for the last few weeks.

In reality, that one cookie didn’t undo EVERYTHING I had been working on. It was a setback. Or, maybe I deserved that one cookie! The next meal I was on track again.

Personalization

2 – Personalization – is the negative self-talk taking responsibility for everything or the situation at hand. According to Cynthia Kane the catchphrases with personalization are “It’s my fault that… I’m responsible for…”

I feel like as a wife, mother, and employee, I use this negative self-talk a lot. I use it on large and small scales, anything from being late to family arguments. One that came to my mind was my oldest son missing an appointment. I told myself that it was all my fault that he missed it because I didn’t call and remind him an hour or so before. I felt bad all day and I owned that responsibility.

When I step back and look at the situation I know that it was not my fault. First off my son is an adult. Secondly, it was on the family calendar. Third, I reminded him of it the week before, the day before, and sent him a text that morning.

Absolute Language

3 – Absolute language– is the negative self-talk when we allow ourselves to take a description and make it apart of who we are. According to Cynthia Kane the catchphrases with personalization are “I am… I am not…”

I think we have all said to ourselves, “I’m not good enough” or I am fat.” Others that I say are “I am ugly” “I am dumb” “I’m not enough.” We need to look at it and express it to ourselves in different ways. I am not dumb, but sometimes I simply do not have the answer. I can however, look it up and find it.

Assumption

4 – Assumption – is the negative self- talk when we assume that we know what someone else is thinking and it is a negative thoughts in regards to us. According to Cynthia Kane the catchphrases with personalization are “They think… They feel… They did this/that because.

Holy cow!! Man I am GREAT at assuming. My husband and I have really had to work on assumptions in our marriage. (and we have had to learn how to talk to each other.) Just yesterday my husband woke up grumpy (he works nights). He was quiet, reserved, gave short answers. So my assumptions went wild. He is mad at me. I have done something wrong. He doesn’t want to be here. I forgot something. What did I say?

When I finally asked him what was wrong, he told me that he had gotten to bed late and was tired. His back was also hurting him and had been hurting him all day.

Expectation

5 – Expectation – is the negative self-talk when we don’t look at what we have achieved only at the higher expectation that we set. According to Cynthia Kane the catchphrases with personalization are “This isn’t how I wanted it… I am supposed to be… This isn’t how its supposed to be…”

I use my oldest son as an example on this one. He is 22, works a full time job, pays his bills, has a lovely girlfriend, great friends, and he still lives at home. He doesn’t look at all he has accomplished already, but he says I’m supposed to be out on my own by now. I shouldn’t be living at home. We have to stop him and make him look at what he has and what he has done. He has many years to live out of his own, but he can take advantage of being at home and saving money so he can move out down the road.

Comparison

6 – Comparison – is the negative self-talk that we don’t measure up. According to Cynthia Kane the catchphrases with personalization are “I wish I could be… Their life looks better than mine…They have way more that I do…They always look so put together.”

I experienced this one yesterday. I went to see a friend who sells skincare products. She is beautiful, young, energetic, and always put together. She looks like she wakes up and can be on the cover of a magazine. Oh and she is amazingly sweet!! It is very easy for me to compare myself (in a negative way) to her. I am not as young, energetic, or beautiful. And most days I am far from put together. So I can feel inadequate to her.

As we were talking and laughing she admitted that she was a little jealous of me because I have great skin. She went on to say that she wished she had skin like mine. Image my surprise when the one I compared myself to was comparing herself to me.

Regret

7 – Regret – is the negative self-talk is simply beating ourselves up over things we did or didn’t do in our past. According to Cynthia Kane the catchphrases with personalization are “I never should have done… That will haunt me for the rest of my life… If that had never happened, I would be…”

One of my biggest regrets is not finishing college when I was just out of high school. I have said, “If you stayed in school, you would not be broke now.” (which by the way has regret and expectations.) Paying for my Master’s as an adult is difficult, but when I think about who I was and who I am now, I realize that I am on the right path now. Back then I don’t think that I would have made the right choice in my education and career.

Where to find it

If you want more information on how to silence your negative self-talk and exercises to practice, click on the link below. The book that I am currently reading and learning from is Talk to Yourself Like A Buddhist.

https://cynthiakane.com/how-to-communicate-like-a-buddhist/

Spring!!

Since the Daffodils are in full bloom, I thought this was a good Poem to start the day. I hope everyone wears their crown today.

THE DAFFODILS

WILLIAM WORDSWORTH, 1770 – 1850

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced, but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A Poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils. https://openoregon.pressbooks.pub/poetry/chapter/1-poems-about-spring-renewal-rebirth/

We Are All Like a Tree.

Our branches:

Like the branches on a tree, our paths, choices, rights, wrongs, decisions, our own negative thoughts about ourselves and mistakes spread out over our lives.  They can cast shadows over us or they can allow the sun to shine in.  But these are things that we can change, like a branch, we can cut them off.  We can change our path or our decisions. We can remove people or cut them out of our lives or allow negative people to stay in and cast shadows over us.

Our trunk: 

Like the trunk of a tree our bodies absorb whatever we allow to enter them.  Positive or negative, good or bad.  We can “feed” it healthy thoughts and feelings or we can “feed” it junk and crap and negative thoughts about ourselves.  But, in the end, we can still “cut down” or change the trunk of our tree.  We can even go as far as to dig up the stump if we cut our tree down.

Our Roots:

Oh but the roots – our true selves!  That’s where the magic is in our tree.  You can’t change or remove all of those roots or our true self.  Think about the root system of a tree, the roots can go for yards and yards. You can’t dig all of the roots up, you just try to cut through them.  Your roots, that’s your true self, that’s who you really are.  The loving person, the compassionate person, the responsible person, the honest person, the nurturing person.  This is the person who cries in Old Yeller, the same person who feels empathy for others and the person (roots / true self) that the world can’t change.  

So embrace your inner tree.  Cut off branches that weigh you down. Get rid of the branches that don’t let the sun in.  Feed your trunk positive self-talk, healthy thoughts and feelings.  Feed your body all the good stuff.  Let your roots run wild!

 https://blog.tentree.com/10-life-lessons-you-can-learn-from-trees/

Mindfulness in Minutes

What is mindfulness? We hear so much about it, but do you know what it is? Mindfulness is a type of meditation.

Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us. https://www.mindful.org/what-is-mindfulness/

It allows you to focus on being intensely aware of what you’re sensing and feeling in the moment, without interpretation or judgment.

Practicing mindfulness involves breathing methods, guided imagery, and other practices to relax the body and mind and help reduce stress.

Mindfulness can be achieved in just a few minutes. You do not need an hour to meditate. In the book Mindfulness On The Go, author Padraig O’Morain gives wonderful ideas on how to practice mindfulness in just moments and they fit into your busy life. https://www.padraigomorain.com/mindfulness-on-the-go-book/

Some of the benefits of mindfulness are:

– it lowers stress

– it lowers anxiety

– it can lower the risk of depression

– it allows you to handle anger in a different way

– it allows you to handle resentment in a different way

– it allows to you accept things that you can not change

– it can boost your creativity

One exercise that I personally like to do with my son, he just turned 12, when he is feeling overwhelmed and anxious is what I call the rule of 5. He has to close his eyes and tell me 5 things that he can hear while taking deep breaths. He has to tell me things that he smells (this is usually less than 5) and he has to tell me 5 things that he can feel.

Usually the conversation goes something like, “I hear the car passing on the road, the neighbors dog barking, the bird singing, the air/heat just turned on, and my breathing. I smell the simmering pot, I feel my clothes, I feel the air on my skin, I feel the cats fur, I feel my breathing, I feel the blanket…..

By the end of the exercise he is calmer. He is more relaxed. This is just mindfulness. It brings him back to a center and then we can talk about what was going on to cause him the stress in the beginning.

Check out Padriag O’Morain on Twitter talking about mindfulness. https://twitter.com/PadraigOMorain?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor

Trauma, Yoga, and Healing

Therapeutic yoga supports your journey of  healing from trauma, depression, anxiety, grief, pain, stress, and other obstacles the we all face in life.   Therapeutic yoga teaches us how to listen to your body and what it is trying to tell you.  You will also learn how to connect your mind,  body, and spirit. https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Body_Keeps_the_Score/vHnZCwAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=0 In chapter 16 of book The Body Keeps The Score the author, http://Bessel van Den Kolk, MD talks about learning how to inhabit your body with yoga. One of the lines in this chapter that struck a cord with me was:

“Yoga is about looking inward instead of outward and listening to my body, and a lot of my survival has been geared around never doing those things. ”

Yoga is a powerful way to learn and apply Mindfulness. Research shows that yoga helps us reconnect our minds with our bodies and get “unstuck” from patterns of anxiety, depression, traumatic memory, or behavioral disorder. Yoga is an Accessible Practice. Everyone can practice yoga, no matter how old or young, mobile or limited, flexible or stiff, active or sedentary. Therapeutic yoga focuses on specific and individual needs. You can do it, no matter where you are starting from. If you’re looking for a way to deepen your recovery, or simply improve your quality of life, yoga is a gentle and effective method. 

If you are interested in more information on  Yoga classes that supports your journey of healing from life’s hardest stuff: trauma, anxiety, depression, grief, pain, etc. link on the link provided. https://www.facebook.com/yogaroad.withblair/ Blair can offer you information on her classes and her teaches techniques. (She is Amazing ya’ll!)