Last night I had to take my own advice. Let me explain what happened. Yesterday I wrote a blog / post about my dad taking his own life. It was a difficult piece to write. I cried as I wrote it and when I read it out loud. Writing it brought up a lot of memories, both good and bad.
My husband is always telling me that I don’t open up and talk to him and that I need to tell him what’s going on in my head. So last night I thought that I would read him what I had written about my daddy and it would give him an insight to where my head had been lately.
So I got my computer out, sat up straight (because I needed the courage), and read him what I had written. I had to stop a couple of times because my voice was breaking and I was choking back tears, but I finally made it through. When I was finished reading it, my husband said, “Cool” and rolled over and went to sleep.
I’m not sure what I was really excepting or what reaction I thought I would get. Maybe an I’m sorry baby, or I remember that day too. Something to acknowledge my feelings and me opening up and being vulnerable. I can tell you that “Cool” wasn’t it!
I was taken back by his words and actions. He is the one always asking me to share and opening up. When I did, I felt like he rejected me, didn’t care about my feelings, and didn’t even listen to me. Doubt crept in. My self-worth dropped. I had been vulnerable, and felt like I had been slapped in the face. I thought to myself, this is why I don’t open up. This is why I don’t talk about what’s going on in my mind.
After a few hours, I was still feeling the humiliation from it. Then I realized what I was doing to myself and decided to take my own advice. First off I told myself that what I wrote was powerful, important, and meaningful. I told myself that it could help someone, someday. I said that what my husband had done, was on him, not on me. I hadn’t done anything wrong and I was proud of myself for writing it. (positive self talk) I realized that I couldn’t control his reaction or his action, but I could control mine. (control what you can).
I got up and did the superhero pose. I just stood there and took in the power that I felt. I let the pose take away the negative vibes and replace them with positive vibes. I even said da da da!!
I will never have all of the answers and I will always be a work in progress. I’m ok with that. The good news is, I am learning and I am using what I’m learning in a positive way. https://skyehelps.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=1210&action=edit